CEOs compared!

Wow, I can't believe that its been 3 months since I left Hank Commerce. A bunch of people have asked me how Henry compares to other well-known valley CEOs. Here's my top 10 (to be read in the voice of Henry)...

10. Larry Ellison (Oracle)
Larry is just this guy you know. From storing rows in Databases he now owns every mother-f*king-application that generates revenue. I can't believe how much I have to pay him! That's some total crack dude! Sure SAP makes money, but not in the way Ellison and his kimono wearing staff do. There is just not enough room at the Emerald Empire to store that amount of cash, its totally obscene! Another plate of otoro sushi anybody? Sure, pass it my way.

9. Bill Gates (Microsoft)
Just plain evil, but you know that. No way is my management team that evil (well apart from Iron-Mike maybe, but he's ex-Microsoft). The Blue-Screen-Of-Death aka the Hank Commerce site outage page have nothing in common, apart from their frequency. My PC is totally reliable, I have no idea what those Mac TV spots are about. Our customers love us just as much as Microsoft. Trust me, the recent American City Bank survey proved that.

8. Larry Page / Sergey Brin (Google)
Sure they are sooooo evil, I mean making money because we can't find shit on the web. How evil is that? They must be the chief evil-doers. Free food for staff? You must be joking, only a total idiot would think that buys loyalty from those scum sucking engineers. Those two even have a bigger plane than Larry Ellison and me! Total evil. Can I have a job please?

7. Elon Musk (eBay, Space-X, Tesla)
This guy is too cool be really be on this list. Making money on the web, check. Making money with rocket scientists, check. Making money with cool sports cars, check. Don't bother with the comparison, Elon kicks my and your butt. You love Elon, really you do. Have another glass of single malt and it will become clear.

6. Mark Zuckerber (Facebook)
Come on, give me a f**king break! So what has the pimpled-one done? Instant Messenger over the web? Cool, I have a f**king AOL client and I'm happy. He could not even get Platform As A Service right, you want to own the cpu cycles that get burnt each time that Joanne from some crap hole in the Mid-West uploads her grand kids pictures. I mean, games? Is that the best you have got? Lack of vision, totally. Wastes too much of my staff's time as well!

5. Marc Benioff (Salesforce)
He invented Software as a Service, he is GOD! So what if it took a bunch of time and effort to make it work and the UI is as ugly as hell, he is my spiritual platform, he is my leader. HE IS GOD. Shit, can't tell my staff that I stole his idea after that night we got hammered at the Redwood Bar...

4. Gregg Brockway (Tripit)
Here is an idea. Build a social web about traveling, allow people to track each other with an opt-in policy and then make money from advertising. How completely revolutionary is that? I tip my hat to you sir. You must have overheard me that night when I was on a rager with Benioff and Ellison back in 2001...

3. Jeremy Stoppelman (Yelp)
It will (hear my words), never catch on. Why would I plan a business dinner at a restaurant recommended by people I don't know? That's like totally bogus. Book a table based on those reviews? You are crazy mother-f**ker. I much prefer to pay premiums for outdated and totally old school publications like Zagat to get real content that has been peer reviewed. I love my dinner companions too much to do anything else, don't you?

2. Steve Jobs (Apple)
Too cool. I mean, if only the Mega Enterprise project had that same radius on the curved edge of the home page that that iPhone 3GS had, then we would have made millions, no joke. Instead we got an accordion that was so totally 2007, that was the best they could come up with. Who wants that ugly shit on your product? My napkin design was better and they know it. Jobs would have fired their asses, but I don't have the balls. If only we were as cool as the turtle-something.

1. Henry (Hank Commerce)
I mean, I have to be #1. A ton of vision, very little execution (not my fault, its the management team). What is more important for a valley CEO, making a dirty big pile of cash or having a nice tan and a New York life-style paid for by VCs? Its totally door #2, Bob. Everybody loves a winner, nobody loves a looser. So why does nobody stick around at Hank Commerce? Stupid, its the not the CEO, its the management team! I need to get Iron-Mike to sack there asses again.