We can't test!

So its all going belly up. If I get the rumors right, Mega Enterprise is never going to make it. It basically comes down to this. For every day we test, we add three days onto the end date. If I do the math right, then we will finish the test cycle mid 2010. That's before you add in the re-opend bugs, so that puts us towards the end of 2010.

So we have to help QA. It sucks. Basically every day we get a list of bugs to verify because the lazy pieces of crap in the Applications QA team can't do it, they are "too busy". Sure, I love to make a latte in the morning, but I don't need to make three and then discuss the merits of Amber versus the New Indian Chaat Cafe before I log onto my machine in the morning.I twitter about it instead, that way my friends and colleagues get it on demand.

So I get my list of five bugs assigned each day, we have "testing hour" at noon. I'm there with a bunch of the other engineers not at happy with doing QA's job. As the QA Manager told us, we are "taking one for the team". Sure, I fell better about it already.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more drinking!)
Shots : 0 (no more drinking!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 181 lbs

Finger pointing!

It was awesome, I have never seen anything like this before. In the middle of the floor Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir and Euro-Fool were in a ice hockey brawl in-front of everybody. It was so out of control, but very cool to see that raw energy and passion.

Apparently, very unreasonable, Euro-Fool wanted to get a plan of what work was needed to complete Mega Enterprise and which resources were assigned to which tasks. I mean, its so last century to put together a resource plan and then resource level it! We are agile, we don't do that shit! Its the whole point of SCRUM, we do everything in small increments, we adapt as we go along, we don't even need designs because we formulate our ideas as we progress. It does away with all that unnecessary time spent spec writing, reviews, allocating resource and all the stuff in the IBM, Microsoft or Yahoo! handbook. We are not burdened with all the old skool stuff.

Lonely-James tried to inject himself and calm the situation down, but was told to "Fuck off, arm pits". Not very complimentary in my view. Finally Constantine came in and calmed the situation down. I'm not sure that the putting them both in an arm lock was the best idea, but he had to do something, there was going to be murder otherwise.

So I think its a clash of cultures. The ad-hoc "we are agile and we know best, trust us" versus the "old school plan, plan, plan and TPS reports".

The empire may have struck back, but Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir so got one over Euro-Fool!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more drinking!)
Shots : 0 (no more drinking!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 182 lbs

Margarita blend off!

It was the dope man. I mean, the company went crazy for it, it was just like spring break in 2003 with my frat pals on Miami beach. Crazy, crazy time.

Most of HR was either rift'ed or quit, so one of the recruiters has been running the show. Old-Dude-In-HR-That's-Cool seem pretty savvy. So somehow he got Henry to sign off on a Margarita blend off.

Our team had practiced for weeks on various combinations, developing our simple syrups and infusions. Boy, we got so out of our minds most nights trying to get the perfect mix. Finally it was the afternoon of the event. There were a whole bunch of stands, costumes and more liquor than a Patricks Day parade!

We called ours the "Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir-But-Make-It-A-Margarita-Margarita". It was the bomb. It was so strong that we limited everybody to two cups only. We were assured of victory.

Henry was there with the rest of his H-Staff, he looked great after his two week vacation in the Bahamas, all bronzed and relaxed. Wish he could have changed out of the flip flops though.

First up in front of the judges was Euro-Fools team. Man, he is so full of it and made the worst mistake. It wasn't even a Margarita the dumb ass. We went on about hand crafted, bla-bla-bla. Who gives man! It was some sort of rum punch, I had some it sucked!

Then the Mexican-Wrestles came up from the Applications team. I was scared, they looked like left overs from Gay Pride, weird. Theres was pretty good, but too fruity for me.

Then there was a bunch of marketing people, they talked a lot but their drink lacked any substance. Looked nice though. A couple of the Ops team had something that looked like a roadkill and probably was.

Last up, and this was Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir's master stroke was our team. He gave an very motivating speech, something about his humble upbringing and how it owes everything to Henry but he's sorry about this pictures he took of Henry and that Russian, err "Model". It was moving.

By this time, H-Staff were wasted. They handed over the score cards to Henry's "assistant". Some time past. Then some more time passed. More drinks were had. Then finally, the results came through. It had been a pretty tough task to add up all those numbers, but she had done it.

It was shocking, you could hear the sharp intake of breath. Euro-Fool had won, and it hadn't even been a f**king Margarita! Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir was pissed and got in it face to face with Henry. Next thing I hear is the sound of breaking glass and blood everywhere. It not clear what had happened. Some say Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir swung at Henry and missed, others say that Beam-Me-Up was so drunk he just fell through the window. All I know is that Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir grabbed his helmet and hit the road.

It was a shocking end to an amazing day!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more drinking!))
Shots : 16 (it was the blend off)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 183 lbs

OMG!

Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir is pissed. Like I mean really pissed. So pissed that he missed his beloved bocce games all week. All of Constantine's staff have been locked up in a meeting room for hours at a time with various graphs and charts being projected. There were in the conference room next to my desk so I got to watch in real time, mega cool.

Constantine did not look happy as Lonely-James waved his sweaty armpits around. I could not understand what the F**k the charts meant and I'm working on Mega Enterprise. After Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir calmed down a little, apparently the QA testing and bug rates are all to shit and there is no way they are going to make the 1-July release date. All the stuff for American City Bank that has priority, Stacy also wants to get the iPhone Server part released and all sorts of other shit. Pity the client is another 6 months out.

So if Mega Enterprise slips, then it slips into September. The release process is a F**king zoo, with just about every other project (or animal in this case) ready to eat your hind.

Apparently the QA team are always "two weeks away" from having an answer to the basic question of what does your plan look like to execute the test plan. Like, dude that's a bit late in the cycle to be working out that shit! I mean, QA they are like a total waste of time, especially in the Applications team. I want to go up to Constantine and just tell him to "Trust Me". We are so part of the team that if the shit does hit that fan, we will be on it like a flash, debugging and hacking away at production to make this beast live!

Apparently, Henry promised this to the board, so he it totally f**ked.

We have a new rule, after 5.26pm you can drink at work, as long as you don't even look at keyboard. If Henry does not like that, then f**k him and his moccasins.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more drinking!))
Shots : 6 (I think I'm sacked (again)!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 182 lbs

Reading circle!

One of the other teams started a reading circle. Its pretty crazy. I think the dude who runs it is a Zen Buddhist or something, but basically on the 1st of the month a book get posted on the Twiki. We then have three weeks to read it and on the fourth week we all meet to discuss. Awesome I thought, plus I saw Geek-Babe had signed up.

This is when it got a bit weird. We all went up to the boardroom, there were candles and incense burning, we all held hands and chanted for like about 20 minutes. Then for the next three hours we had a shouting match on the pros and cons of the book in question. Man it was intense, people calling each other mother this and mother that, shouting at each other, throwing the books across the room. It was like telling a Republican that its all their fault the banking sector just cut its own throat! Franks-Mom tried to keep things in order, but it was crazy!

At the end, Zen-Dude got everybody together again and we all chanted for 10 minutes, we all hugged and then Zen-Dude pulled out the largest bottle of tequila. Technically I think that means we are all now sacked after we finished every last drop.

The book? Tracy Kidder's Soul of a new machine. Man, I almost cried in the chapter about the missing NAND gate, its was like my Spring nightmare all over again, I could not help the emotion and horror of it all.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more drinking!))
Shots : 8 (I think I'm sacked!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 180 lbs

Death by twitter part 2!

So New-Marketing-Veep was the next to go. Well how could he stay after his new strategy to attract the 17-35 audience had gone up in smoke after it was leaked on Twitter by his own team. I know what Henry means when he says that you have to love Hank Commerce. Love means that you have to do the right thing by the brand, by the company and by Henry. So another one bites the dust. No tears for this one.

Henry has been hanging at the office more. We had a beer bash this week, not sure why, but he really got into the details. It was a shame that it was not about how we were going to broaden our appeal or get more revenue. But it was super interesting to hear how he thinks its the best time to get a steal on an Aston Martin DBS. He explained it was all about the leverage of cash versus credit in a time where cash is king, demand is low and time is infinite. Not sure about the beige on beige color scheme, seems all a bit Roger Moore.

Demo'ed my ad placement service to Lonely-James and his team this week. I was distracted from the feedback I was being given as I watched the sweat stains grow at a crazy rate. I'll have to see if anybody took notes, I certainly did not.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 7 (beer bash returns!)
Shots : 0 (no more drinking!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 178 lbs

Death by twitter!

It was so lame. I've been attending the daily stand ups that Euro-Fool has been running for "Mega Enterprise". Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir has been going crazy because Constantine put Euro-Fool in command rather then him. So he attended for a while and then stopped showing up. Euro-Fool, I guess, then got Constantine all riled up to shout at Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir so he started showing up again. Now I'm his delegate. The only cool thing in this sorry story is the Geek-Babe attends, which is very cool, so I hang out with her for 27 minutes each day.

The idea is that its cross functional, so along with Product Management, Program Management, Eng & QA there is also Marketing. Henry has said that "Mega Enterprise" is going to be key for contributing to the bottom line because we are in control and don't have to chew the costs and late launch that we do with American City Bank. The trouble is that Marketing are a little weird. First they dress weird (how do you say "Gay!"), they talk weird (its all about positioning, drone, drone, drone) and they also cannot keep their mouths shut.

Henry says that "Mega Enterprise" has to be kept secret so that we can make a huge splash and totally change the market. So what does Fresh-New-Marketing-Dude do? He starts twittering about it to start some "buzz".

Henry went ballistic, well that's what at least Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir told me. So our cover has been broken and everybody in the industry knows about it. There was some chatter on Techbyte but Henry got M.Arrington to take down the post and the comments. Their kids go to school with each other and M.Arrington owed Henry after the incident at the school with the new first grade teacher. Apparently she was not as cute as BayGossip claimed.

So Fresh-New-Marketing-Dude is trying his luck at another company, Henry fired his ass right out to left field in a matter of seconds of finding out. Well, in fact the twittering had been going on for weeks, but Henry does not Twitter so it took his assistant to blog about it before he was in the loop.

Sad. Nice guy. Bad taste in dress shirts.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more drinking!)
Shots : 0 (no more drinking!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 177 lbs