They love me!

Its been a weird week since I gave notice. Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir has ignored me, I expected that. I have already been blacklisted from his staff meetings, I expected that. To get made a scapegoat in a public forum, I should have expected that but did not see that coming. I was never a "kiss ass" and that was probably my undoing here, I spoke my mind and while everybody says the culture is "open" and "transparent" that is just a tactic to make it easier to slide the knife in.

Even better news that Geek-Babe came and gave me a big hug and a "stay in touch". I'm sure that she was being nice but It made me feel good. Perhaps things with Beam-Me-Up are not working out and I still have a chance? Probably not!

Some say that my last post was a little harsh on poor old Henry. Sure, but as they say the CEO position is the loneliest in the world. It must suck being Henry, but really is not helped by his over promise, under deliver, make shit up to your face attitude. He's not one to shoot straight, he just uses his SS and Gastapo Lieutenants to do his executions. Be warned of the ones in short skirts, they are the most deadly. Nice to look at by death follows shortly after.

One week left to go and my exit interview with Iron-Mike. Its going to be awesome!

I'm looking forward to FaceTwit, its going to be a bunch of fun!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 12 (celebrating my job offer!)
Shots : 6 (celebrating my job offer!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more official eating!)
Weight : 196 lbs

More graphs! Awesome!

Another week and another weekly all-hands meeting. I don't really get the point. Sure, I love open and transparent communication. It lets us see what is going on, give us data and then shows us ways to analyze it to allow us to draw our own conclusions. Pretty sweet if we have data to talk about.

Don't give the same graphs, just changing the colors or fonts we can see through that. What is says is that you have no idea on what is going on. I did give credit this week, all the graphs were different. Wow, things must have changed! After my initial enthusiasm I was drawn back to the slough of despair when I see that they changed the scale to make the growth look more impressive. As they say there are lies, damn lies and then there are statistics. Henry loves his statistics.

So news to report this week? Well Geek-Babe is "glowing" and I am shocked how much she has got done this week, especially being slowed down by the size of that ring. If ever we need to break a window to escape (like a fire or something) I know what I'm going to use to cut the glass.

We had another release, it was pretty much along the same lines. QA sign off, PMO sign off, Frank's-Mom signs off. Customer use it, many production tickets, stuff being broken, integrations not working, people can't change their passwords, new functionality plain not working. We get through to the "Monday Peak", which basically means that lights dim across the eastern seaboard as we crank up the CPU horsepower simply to process a few dozen transactions. This is also know as "the same old shit".

Its all rather depressing. I'm still eating the Diwali candy from our "celebration" the other week. I was shocked that Iron-Mike from HR did not ban the whole thing. Think about it, especially working in California. You arrange a work sponsored event. You ask staff to spend time decorating and preparing events. You then ask for "volunteers" to take part in the "competition". Basically that involved a number of partial clothed women dancing in a provocative manner while the judges (aka F-Staff) "judge". If Frank's-Mom was a man she would have been taken away to San Quentin, no questions asked, do not collect $200. How come women get away with this shit?

Anyway, Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir seemed to enjoy himself a little too much by the display and could not seem to walk straight afterward. That would seem another HR violation.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more official drinking!)
Shots : 9 (the shame of it all!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more official eating!)
Weight : 193 lbs

Geek-babe is getting married!

I bet that got your attention. You may be thinking, lucky guy. I know, I know. How did a geek pull off the coup of the decade and get the hottest, geekiest girl in the valley. I would like to say it was something to do with the awesome party in Cyprus.

The truth is much more difficult. After our last argument on our first date on the merits of District 9 versus Alive in Joberg our paths split. We, sorry she, hardly even acknowledged me at the Latte station in the morning, and certainly there was never an open seat at the company meetings next to her. I got the cold shoulder, but I was in it for the long term. I could turn her around, just like Henry is doing for the company.

I made sure there was an extra Dunkin' Donut left on her desk, a flower on Valentines day, just your regular stalker stuff, nothing overkill. Perhaps washing her car during the lunch break was just slightly over the line.

And then the true horror of it all. I got word that there was a secret party being planned. Sweet! There was going to be food and plenty to drink. Sweet! It was to congratulate Geek-Babe's engagement to Beam-Me-Up. Sweet!

Hey, hold the presses. What the f**k is going on? How did he muscle in on my girl? Why are they holding hands? Why does she look so happy in the wrong mans arms?

Things just could not have gotten any worse.

Sure, lets be happy for the happy couple. I just have a pile of PL/SQL to convert into JavaScript with the debugging capability of a drunk Ops guy. My life sucks and it sucks today because I'm trying to drink away the pain that Geek-Babe is trying to get away from me! She will see her mistakes, I can turn this one around, just don't let me say "told you so".

Another Henry, blah-blah-blah presentation. Bar charts have not changed in weeks. Who's he trying to kid?

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more official drinking!)
Shots : 18 (the shame of it all!)
Dinner : 1 nights (marriage celebration!)
Weight : 192 lbs

Office move!

Another office move. I'm not sure that this is a great use of the investors money, but it kind of makes sense. With the trim down last year and the constant departures it no longer makes sense to be on three floors. Stacy put the plan together and we all packed our crates. The floor plan makes no sense, basically its puts our team at an opposite end to Euro-Fools platform team. It may mean we just get more exercise having to walk down there, but it may also mean that we can just ignore those idiots!

Euro-Fool has been under fire, Mega Enterprise is running so late its making the rest of us look great! Truth be told its nothing to do with the code that was written for Mega Enterprise, its all down to getting the product through QA. I think all the directors are relying on Apps to be the long pole so that they can fix up all their code without Constantine knowing anything about it, just blame Apps. Its an easy target but a great target! There also seems to be less Apps QA people as well these days.

So its weird being back in the new old office. I see where I was interviewed, where I sat in those first few formative months when I started, the place where I got my first build to work, the smashed wall where Beam-Me-Up punched a hole with his bare fist and the first time I saw Geek-Babe. Ah those memories.

Since then they have painted in the new corporate look for Mega Enterprise, Hank Orange Soda (tm), its pretty sweet if you don't have a hang over. I did notice that Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir now gets in even later, probably working really diligently with Ops I guess.

Seen Stacy, Lonely-James and Cab-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir (aka Three-Amigos) in a bunch of meetings. Weird group to have together, sometimes Zen-Dude is there, sometime not. Not just in the office, but at Una-Mass and at Starbucks. Probably some product planning or something big and important for Hank Commerce.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more official drinking!)
Shots : 7 (I can remember why I drink, but I do)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 188 lbs

My date sucked!

So I had my date with Geek-Babe. Ok, it turns out that it was not a date, I had thought it was a date, she did not. We saw District 9, which was a total popcorn movie, but despite the mega budget and effects I preferred the original Alive in Joburg. I think that's where things started to go wrong. We had a cocktail after (me a Cosmos, her a Mojito) and then I asked "that" question. Needless to say that I was told to "go f**k myself". So I went home and did just that.

Not much else has been going on, we are trying to grind out a result on Mega Enterprise, the QA burn down is as long as ever but everybody thinks the Applications QA lead is "doing great". Henry promised that with the new CFO in place he was starting a new phase of being open and transparent. He said that he was start sharing information "soon" and that H-Staff had been letting him down. He had asked and asked for regular meetings and updates, but everybody let him down again and again. Henry is one tough customer!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more official drinking!))
Shots : 4 (I don't give a crap, so I drink at my desk)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 185 lbs

DJ quits!

Wow! I was not expecting that one. DJ runs all of our operations across all our geo regions. His crew are crazy but do a swell job, at least when they are not packing on a release night. They all like guns far too much for my liking and I'm from the mid-west.

Never seen somebody with such a big smile. Henry announced his departure at the company meeting, said that he was going to "find himself". Stacy thinks he will continue to write his political blog and may even run for a state seat in the elections in the fall. He's some sort of Libertarian, which when I first heard that I thought he was in favor of people who file books in a Library!

Constantine has taken over Operations in the short term. I think this makes sense, we need to get the Engineers and Ops guys closer together, we have too much of the "throw it over the wall" attitude. If anybody can bring the groups together I think its Constantine, since those guys really respect him.

Looking forward to my first date with geek-babe next week. That is going to be sweet! Is there love in the air? I hope so!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more official drinking!))
Shots : 8 (I don't give a crap, so I drink at my desk)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 184 lbs

Reading circle!

One of the other teams started a reading circle. Its pretty crazy. I think the dude who runs it is a Zen Buddhist or something, but basically on the 1st of the month a book get posted on the Twiki. We then have three weeks to read it and on the fourth week we all meet to discuss. Awesome I thought, plus I saw Geek-Babe had signed up.

This is when it got a bit weird. We all went up to the boardroom, there were candles and incense burning, we all held hands and chanted for like about 20 minutes. Then for the next three hours we had a shouting match on the pros and cons of the book in question. Man it was intense, people calling each other mother this and mother that, shouting at each other, throwing the books across the room. It was like telling a Republican that its all their fault the banking sector just cut its own throat! Franks-Mom tried to keep things in order, but it was crazy!

At the end, Zen-Dude got everybody together again and we all chanted for 10 minutes, we all hugged and then Zen-Dude pulled out the largest bottle of tequila. Technically I think that means we are all now sacked after we finished every last drop.

The book? Tracy Kidder's Soul of a new machine. Man, I almost cried in the chapter about the missing NAND gate, its was like my Spring nightmare all over again, I could not help the emotion and horror of it all.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more drinking!))
Shots : 8 (I think I'm sacked!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 180 lbs

You have to be cool to get it!

I was at a car dealer this weekend, my jalopy was never going to make it through another year, and now that I have a little extra cash I figured it was time to get a bargain with the downturn and all.

Swung by the VW dealer, basically the sales guy had his head stuck up his ass. Wanted to totally kill me on the interest rates and would not budge from the MRSP. So went to Scion dealer. Super sweet. First there was this cool Asian babe of a salesperson. Super helpful, knew the cars and what the deals were. Laid down the options and costs and bam! I was driving away in a Scion xB in flat olive green with a World War 2 US Army markings. Major deal and a sweet ride. I think Geek Babe will totally check me out in this ride!

Henry told a similar story this week at the company meeting. He said the critical thing is to sell our platform to the right people. He's turning down deals because they would take the company in the wrong direction in his view. He's also doing the same with American City Bank, they need to have features that we can sell again and again even if they paid for them. Totally makes sense, write once, sell many.

So lets turn down deals and the cash they bring and focus on those deals that will make Hank Commerce the next big internet story.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 0 (no more drinking!)
Shots : 0 (no more drinking!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 185 lbs

Big shouting match!

Not sure what the hell is going on. Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir and Constantine have been in meeting rooms all week. Lots of shouting, slamming doors, crying, going to Henry to "talk it out". Its got me and the rest of his team "seriously freaked out". I mean he is our blood, he is our glue, without him life could not possibly exist.

I think Euro-fool senses blood. He poached one of the team last week as part of the "Large Enterprise" product work. That seems to be sucking the life out of just about every team, Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir has stood up and said that its all bogus at the last company meting . Henry got super angry and apparently sacked him on the spot. Or well, the story says that he gave Constantine the authority to sack him and then kyboshed his actual sacking. Weird.

I've got my head down working on the shopping basket. Its looking pretty sweet. Even Geek-Babe came over to my desk for a demo last week. I don't think she noticed the sweating and my flustered nature, I think I got away with it.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 6 (up 1 from last week)
Shots : 6 (up 2 from last week)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more dinners!)
Weight : 186 lbs

Wow, we buy some company I've never hear of!

Henry was at his best at the company meeting this week. He has so totally nailed the strategy on the platform and making the whole web experience personal again through the digital butler. But wow, buying a pet transport company, how totally cool is that! Lets face it, we all have pets right. Ok, a bunch of us have pets.

The coolest people are going to research which pets exactly suits their lifestyle, budget and whether it clashes with the decor of say their loft. I mean Google is just setup for that. We want the coolest people on the web to use our product. We buy a pet transportation company, apparently they have cornered the market in pet deliveries on the Eastern seaboard (according to Henry). Cool people after doing their research will use us to ship them their pet through our destination site.

We are so totally on a rip. And, I went to the gym twice and lost some weight! Not sure that the step aerobics was my thing, but Geek Babe took me along.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 2 bottles (down 2 from last week)
Shots : zero (down 2 from last week)
Dinner : 3 nights (3 x pizza)
Weight : 180 lbs

Popularity contest!

Lonely-James, he heads up a team that I don't really get. I go to see a lot of bands and always, always get a t-shirt or something else to remember the night. So I'm a total sucker for merchandising.

So Lonely-James does the tech-sess this week and its all about "Merchandising" and "Popularity". I mean the guys is pretty weird to begin with, always has lunch by himself and I never see him hang out with his staff like Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir does (my boss rocks). But I don't get it. From what I can work out, they gather a bunch of analytics (sort of a poor mans Google) and then basically decide through some complex algorithm (aka a case statement) that you get either a), b) or c) pop-up displayed to buy something else. Sounds cool, but why do you need 12 people to build that?

Then he talked about "Popularity" and how you get your users to choose which is best. I mean that bogus right, just because Henry choses to buy Feline Pine Scoop Kitty Litter in no way would swing my vote for Safeways store brand even if I was given the choice. I'm sure at YahBay it made total sense (apparently he used to hang out with DJ who runs Ops), but for Hank? Sure I have just brought stock in GM through our Stock App (full disclosure, I'm a shareholder) and then get a recommendation to buy Toyota or Feline Pine Scoop Kitty Litter. No way! Bogus!

Worked out twice with Geek Babe, weight at least stayed the same. Skipping on free dinner sucks. I like, have to go to Safeway to buy stuff, that sucks.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 6 bottles (same as last week)
Shots : 2 x Bourbon Shots (same as last week)
Dinner : 3 nights (3 x Pizza)
Weight : 182 lbs

Henry drives a Mercedes G Wagon!

Blew my mind. You know, I have not been here that long but I have heard Henry speak quite a few times. The markets have been a bit weird recently despite all the interest in Facebook and Twitter. But Henry has been giving a long series of Ayn Rand inspired economic lessons and a whole bunch of why America is so great. I love that fact he loves our countries, but boy, if you cut him he would bleed Republic (guard) Red.

After this weeks company meeting we were chatting, I think he even knows my name now. But total shock. I thought we would be driving something with class, to reflect his stature in the industry and the valley. Perhaps something like a Land Rover or even a BMW.

How wrong I was, he drives a blinged up Mercedes G Wagon. He might as well be selling crack out of the back in the Mission, which I'm sure most of our competitors think he is doing on his trips to New York and Charlotte, NC. I checked it out in the garage, its black with blacked out windows and 23" flat Black rims. Total bling. Come on Henry, this in not MTV Cribs!

Geek Babe said that I had put on weight. Looking at the chart, that 30 pounds I have put on 5 months... she invited me for a workout down the gym, so I think that's my opportunity!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 6 bottles (up 5 from last week)
Shots : 2 x Bourbon Shots (same as last week)
Dinner : 5 nights (4 x Pizza, 1 x Indian)
Weight : 182 lbs

Fun in the sun!

Wow. What an awesome way to say goodbye to the old cramped office, a fun day in the sun and "hello new office" next week.

It was an awesome day, Henry did look spectacular in his Ralph Lauren (not Polo) Polo short, cut off Seven Jeans and his regular loafers (no socks). He really showed what it takes to be a king of the valley. Not only did he land some big fish so far this year, he took the time to let down his slightly thinning hair and hang out with his staff. Boy, he also put away a few PBRs in the process.

Tried to hang out with Geek Babe, but she was too busy throwing down Jello Shots and throwing up the Una Mass from the catered lunch. I will miss the old office, with the wall of shame (aka where you go to punch out the dry wall), the coffee stained walls (aka when DJ had a fit when the site went down for the 3rd time that day) and the great food.

The future looks bright, we are not moving far, just into the other tower. We will have three floors to fill out so the recruiting team will still be hiring, hiring, hiring.

Henry had a little rally call at the end of the day. We were hot, sweaty and drunk. He said the most amazing thing, "You are my family, I love each of you like you were my brothers. We are all brothers in arms". I'm starting to think that Henry is that father I never had, he is so inspiring, my father was such a looser working at Washington Mutual all those years.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 15 bottles (up 10 from last week)
Shots : 10 x Jello Shots (9 up from last week)
Dinner : 5 nights (4 x Pizza, 1 x Una Mass)
Weight : 177 lbs

Awesome waffle breakfast!

Wow. I was blown away. All the VPs got together this week cooked all the employee's breakfast. Hey it was Bisquick Shake & Pour but it was super tasty, in a processed kind of way. I've never seen such a controlled form of chaos in my life, must be the fact that Henry was not there. He did say at the last company meeting (from his cell phone) that he would be there leading the charge, but apparently some Red Sox game was playing so decided to stay on the East Coast to watch it. He loves them Sox.

I chatted to Geek Babe, you know, her best advice on Spring dependency injection and so forth. I think she recognizes talent if you know what I mean.

One of the teams has started a bake-and-bring weekly event. Apparently, you bake something and bring it into the office. Sounds totally yuk to me. Why would I want somebodies homemade cookies, coffee cake, etc. when I can just go to Starbucks and get the real thing. Don't people know that home style stuff is so like my grandmother would do?

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 5 bottles (down one from last week)
Shots : 3 x Tequila (same as last week)
Dinner : 5 nights (4 x Una Mass, 1 x Thai)
Weight : 171 lbs

Geek babes!

I'm sure Henry has something to do with this. Yes we have way over the normal quota of babes in finance, marketing, HR and the normal places. But this is why Hank Commerce is just so different, we have geek babes as well!

I was at a brown bag this week and one of the total goddess babes was presenting. Hair pulled back, white t-shirt, skinny jeans, slingbacks you know the drill. OMG she totally knows what she is talking about, there was some stuff in there that blew my mind away. I'm sure that I must have looked like some sad puppy or something, my cube buddy kicked me one time, I think I must have been dribbling into my soda.

Henry has the vision. Development have the Geek babes. We are so totally writing the next big internet story!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 3 bottles (down three from last week)
Shots : 3 x Tequila (same as last week)
Dinner : 5 nights (5 x Pizza)
Weight : 170 lbs