Lawyers!

OMG. I crapped myself when I first saw the two inch thick mailer from Humpstead, Humpstead, Hamster and Boyle. Some dude served me on Saturday morning. The long and short of it is that Hank Commerce wants me to shut the fuck up. Freedom of speech goes to hell if you have enough VC cash to burn and an ego like the size of Coit tower. Blah-blah. Pitty they don't focus on the business model and leave the departed alone. Give me a break, can't take some light humour based on you actual actions?

Been down to LA again. Looks like Ed Norton has other commitments, but a lot of good signs that this could happen. Matt Damons production team have the draft right now, im hoping they will pick it up So that's what I'm going to focus on. Get the screenplay into a kickass state and watch the technicolor glory on the big screen with a bucket of pop corn.

I still love you all!

Wow, its been six months at FaceTwit. Boy I have had to learn so much and had so much to un-learn. I though Hank Commerce had prepared me for the next big internet adventure, but wow, dealing with the scalability issues at FaceTwit... blows my mind. And forget about the reliability and uptime. Phew. It makes my head hurt.

First of all I get to write Java. Lots of it. Then I get to re-write stuff I don't like. My manager says "Sure, go for it. Just make sure the regressions pass". And then I just do it. No HoMo's to get approval, so psycho Ops nazi's to push the code, just peer checked and then roll out with the next iteration. We have continuous deployment during the day, its automatically picks a small set of the farm to deploy to and then, BAM... your code is live and being used and making a difference. Its wonderful. Our customers love us, we don't need surveys, just the every growing user base.

I've bumped into a few old friends from Hank Commerce in Mission bars from time to time. They look older and grayer, as if Henry has leached the last of their life force from them. Those who have left, well, they are smiling, lost a lot of weight and stress and look ready to rock the world again. Its great to see them all re-juvinated. Constantine, Euro-Fool, Stan and the rest of the "ex" all survived. Rock on brothers and sisters.

Back at the mothership, Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir is still the old thug he always was so I'm told. Can't collaborate, does his own thing and then forces it on everybody else. Its a shame, nice guy, unemployable anywhere else in the valley according to some. Henry is managing to keep up his tan, which is great for him but lousy for the shareholders. Somehow Lonely-James has managed to grow his team just so that an irreverent link based on a tiny data set gets super high prominence on the landing page. I know that will swing the company valuation. What a waste of real estate. Stacy and the iPhone. Sure, its coming in the fall with bells on this time. Got to feel sorry for Franks-Mom, having to keep the pirate ship sailing, if she gets it sailing up and to the right then the true hero will emerge.

Apart from working, what have I been doing? Well, got this freaky phone call. Well it started with an email. I thought it was totally a hoax, but for sure its totally real. There's an agent in L.A., works with all the top names. Wants me to turn my blog into a screenplay. He says that it touches everything in the human condition, the personalities are so hyper vivid that he thinks it could be the first geek-buster movie that will make money. Everybody wants to laugh at geeks, this is going to be the one! He wants me to change a few things, but I'm totally up for the challenge. He wants to keep Can-I-Have-A-Latter-Sir "as is", thinks Ed Norton might be interested in an option, potentially Zooey Deschanel as Geek-Babe if she is available. If nothing else, I've hung out at some cool parties in L.A.

In the short term, I've been editing down the blog into a slim book. A friend asked me for a signed copy, so I put one together and it made me think that it could be a great parting gift for anybody else leaving the hallowed shored of Hank Commerce. I'll post a link when its ready.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : More of a wine man these days
Shots : I've cut down, really I have
Dinner : I cook at home with my girlfriend these days, its all organic and really heathy
Weight : 168 lbs ... lost 31 lbs

CEOs compared!

Wow, I can't believe that its been 3 months since I left Hank Commerce. A bunch of people have asked me how Henry compares to other well-known valley CEOs. Here's my top 10 (to be read in the voice of Henry)...

10. Larry Ellison (Oracle)
Larry is just this guy you know. From storing rows in Databases he now owns every mother-f*king-application that generates revenue. I can't believe how much I have to pay him! That's some total crack dude! Sure SAP makes money, but not in the way Ellison and his kimono wearing staff do. There is just not enough room at the Emerald Empire to store that amount of cash, its totally obscene! Another plate of otoro sushi anybody? Sure, pass it my way.

9. Bill Gates (Microsoft)
Just plain evil, but you know that. No way is my management team that evil (well apart from Iron-Mike maybe, but he's ex-Microsoft). The Blue-Screen-Of-Death aka the Hank Commerce site outage page have nothing in common, apart from their frequency. My PC is totally reliable, I have no idea what those Mac TV spots are about. Our customers love us just as much as Microsoft. Trust me, the recent American City Bank survey proved that.

8. Larry Page / Sergey Brin (Google)
Sure they are sooooo evil, I mean making money because we can't find shit on the web. How evil is that? They must be the chief evil-doers. Free food for staff? You must be joking, only a total idiot would think that buys loyalty from those scum sucking engineers. Those two even have a bigger plane than Larry Ellison and me! Total evil. Can I have a job please?

7. Elon Musk (eBay, Space-X, Tesla)
This guy is too cool be really be on this list. Making money on the web, check. Making money with rocket scientists, check. Making money with cool sports cars, check. Don't bother with the comparison, Elon kicks my and your butt. You love Elon, really you do. Have another glass of single malt and it will become clear.

6. Mark Zuckerber (Facebook)
Come on, give me a f**king break! So what has the pimpled-one done? Instant Messenger over the web? Cool, I have a f**king AOL client and I'm happy. He could not even get Platform As A Service right, you want to own the cpu cycles that get burnt each time that Joanne from some crap hole in the Mid-West uploads her grand kids pictures. I mean, games? Is that the best you have got? Lack of vision, totally. Wastes too much of my staff's time as well!

5. Marc Benioff (Salesforce)
He invented Software as a Service, he is GOD! So what if it took a bunch of time and effort to make it work and the UI is as ugly as hell, he is my spiritual platform, he is my leader. HE IS GOD. Shit, can't tell my staff that I stole his idea after that night we got hammered at the Redwood Bar...

4. Gregg Brockway (Tripit)
Here is an idea. Build a social web about traveling, allow people to track each other with an opt-in policy and then make money from advertising. How completely revolutionary is that? I tip my hat to you sir. You must have overheard me that night when I was on a rager with Benioff and Ellison back in 2001...

3. Jeremy Stoppelman (Yelp)
It will (hear my words), never catch on. Why would I plan a business dinner at a restaurant recommended by people I don't know? That's like totally bogus. Book a table based on those reviews? You are crazy mother-f**ker. I much prefer to pay premiums for outdated and totally old school publications like Zagat to get real content that has been peer reviewed. I love my dinner companions too much to do anything else, don't you?

2. Steve Jobs (Apple)
Too cool. I mean, if only the Mega Enterprise project had that same radius on the curved edge of the home page that that iPhone 3GS had, then we would have made millions, no joke. Instead we got an accordion that was so totally 2007, that was the best they could come up with. Who wants that ugly shit on your product? My napkin design was better and they know it. Jobs would have fired their asses, but I don't have the balls. If only we were as cool as the turtle-something.

1. Henry (Hank Commerce)
I mean, I have to be #1. A ton of vision, very little execution (not my fault, its the management team). What is more important for a valley CEO, making a dirty big pile of cash or having a nice tan and a New York life-style paid for by VCs? Its totally door #2, Bob. Everybody loves a winner, nobody loves a looser. So why does nobody stick around at Hank Commerce? Stupid, its the not the CEO, its the management team! I need to get Iron-Mike to sack there asses again.

CEO Decoder ring!

The hangover lasted about a week. I got a bunch of emails, most people asking to meet up for beers (can't face that right now), meet up for dinner (that sounds better) and a couple for advice. I can't recommend people to leave Hank Commerce, they have to follow their own path and make their own mind up. My destiny was on another path.

So I have complied my advice into this handy pocket sized CEO decoder ring. I hope it helps if you are still working at Hank Commerce! Drum roll... and in reverse order...

10. "Dude... if you hate this place so much, why are you here?"

Translates to: I wish I knew your name so that I could get HR to fire your ass.

9. "Imagine if you spent as much time fixing what's not broken as you do complaining, we'd all have Aston Martins"

Translates to: I have an Aston Martin, so f**k you

8. "F**k off"

Translate to: Please come into my office, take a seat, play with my miniature zen garden. Joking, f**k off back to where you came from and close the f**king door and take your pink slip with you as you pass HR.

7. "Whoa asshole, that's a lot of baggage you are carrying"

Translates to: Go f**k yourself, I only work with winners. Winners always buy new at the destination site or the hotel shop. I love those monogrammed shirts, do you? Of course you don't you are are looser. F**k off.

6. "Look like an opportunity to me"

Translates to: Wait there a second, I need to find my tub of Vaseline. Joking, f**k off.

5. "I'm surprised that my Gulfstream G650 has not arrived to take me to Nebraska yet"

Translate to: You think you are so f**king funny, you know I only have a Gulfstream G150. Those mother-f**kers from Google jumped the line.

4. "Yes you are right... certainly we are not perfect, not by any measure, but holy shit, what have you done to fix that today?"

Translates to: I hate f**king engineers. I f**king hate people on Visa. Can't we employ one mother-f**king American here? Does anybody speak mother-f**king English?

3. "The management team are really executing"

Translates to: Every f**king time I ask for something, they all think is a "request". Its a f**king order!

2. "Its kinda cool that the stock is at $18 and we haven't even begun to execute yet!"

Translates to: Mother-f**king VC vultures, they just downgraded us again on that last valuation to get a bigger slice of my pie. Mother-f**kers.

1. "Wow, that must be an awesome burden to carry around all that knowledge... how do you do that?"

Translates to: I'm f**king CEO, shut the f*k up you mother-f**ker. Its my f**king money, and I decide what I spend the VCs money on. Is that clear? If I want an Aston Martin, then I'll buy an Aston Martin. If I want a 300 person engineering team, that's what I will get. If I want to rift them down to 75, I can do because I can. I am THE mother-f**king GOD around here.

They love me not!

Wow. Had my exit interview this week. I had thought that Iron-Mike was one of the good guys, but I now know why he's got that name and why he's one of Henry's favorite henchmen.

So he goes through the normal stuff, why are you leaving, what's your feedback. He gets all close and empathic with me. Hey, he's my friend and he wants to know how I feel so that he can make the company better. I get that vibe.

He gives me my final check, it looks low but I'm trying to read the info about hours worked as he talks. Its tough, he talks a lot. He then slides a form towards me, I need to sign this, I have no choice. I read the check, its missing my vacation pay. So I ask, "dude what gives".

I get the answer, if I sign this for, then I can get the missing vacation pay. What the fuck! I read the form, basically its a gun against my head if I even admit I worked here. I say I need to read this, he tries to strong arm me, the offer only stands right now, if I want the money then sign. I kind of say that I don't think they can do that and make my way back to my desk.

I get home. One of my room mates is a lawyer at some non-profit. She scans the document, always looking super cute in her glasses. She basically says "No f*king way can they do that". Cool. I get into the office the next day, I have three double expressos in 15 minutes.

I get to Iron-Mikes office. He waves me in and closes the door behind me. So I say, "Like dude, you have to give me the money and you can't make me sign that". He then gets super mad, lawyer-this-lawyer-that. I keep on saying that he needs to get me my check. He get more mad. I try to keep calm, but the expresso is working against me.

I say "Like, I can't leave here until you give me the check, I have rent to pay". He answers with a "F*k you, f*king mercenary engineer, who the f**k do you think you are making demands from me?". He pulls open his drawer, lays out his Saturday Night Special on his desk and throws my check across the table. It lands on the floor.

With a "Come on kid, make my day" look I have to choose between picking it up and loosing my focus on his weapon. I choose to leave the check behind, given Henry's history it would probably bounce.

So my new adventure starts next week. Its going to be awesome working at FaceTwit, my geek-Mission-freinds are all super jealous. So long Henry, thanks for the money.

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 2 (celebrating my last week!)
Shots : 18 (celebrating my last week!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more official eating!)
Weight : 197 lbs

They love me!

Its been a weird week since I gave notice. Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir has ignored me, I expected that. I have already been blacklisted from his staff meetings, I expected that. To get made a scapegoat in a public forum, I should have expected that but did not see that coming. I was never a "kiss ass" and that was probably my undoing here, I spoke my mind and while everybody says the culture is "open" and "transparent" that is just a tactic to make it easier to slide the knife in.

Even better news that Geek-Babe came and gave me a big hug and a "stay in touch". I'm sure that she was being nice but It made me feel good. Perhaps things with Beam-Me-Up are not working out and I still have a chance? Probably not!

Some say that my last post was a little harsh on poor old Henry. Sure, but as they say the CEO position is the loneliest in the world. It must suck being Henry, but really is not helped by his over promise, under deliver, make shit up to your face attitude. He's not one to shoot straight, he just uses his SS and Gastapo Lieutenants to do his executions. Be warned of the ones in short skirts, they are the most deadly. Nice to look at by death follows shortly after.

One week left to go and my exit interview with Iron-Mike. Its going to be awesome!

I'm looking forward to FaceTwit, its going to be a bunch of fun!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 12 (celebrating my job offer!)
Shots : 6 (celebrating my job offer!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more official eating!)
Weight : 196 lbs

The end!

Shocking news for some of you reading this. It had to come to an end some time, especially since I had put on 42lbs and taken 15 years off my life with all the drinking. I got an amazing offer from FaceTwit this week. They are not just talking about writing the next web story they have already written it and have money to prove it. I could not turn down a pay raise after two cuts here and a chance to work in a cool place with smart people, free lunches and dinners and probably less drinking. I mean, Hank Orange Soda (tm) colored walls are cool, but a company making money using the best technology and looking after their staff, its the way to go dude. And the babes are super cute!

You are too good for Hank Commerce, despite what they may tell you in the interview. It took me time to figure that out, but here's the Cliff Notes.

You get to go home sometimes and have an occasional free weekend away from work interruptions and the emergency pager.

The turnover speaks for itself. Ten years worth of code debt that is impossible to change because you are stuck in emergency escalations because of the same code you can't change. The endless two-weekly release cycle that puts you further in debt because you cannot realistically test the product before the customer test it for you. The customers think the product sucks because its always breaking or running "slowly". They are often right.

If you work for the right manager (there is maybe two of them), then it can be rewarding. All the others will teach you is how to play cut throat island (they know who they are). Cut throat island is a game that involves sucking Henry's dick and pretending that you are doing the right thing for the staff and your co-workers and delivering zero. In fact all you care about is yourself. Take one step forward the Three-Amigos.

Come for the politics, leave for a real position with real growth. Alternatively watch from a far and read the gossip on Glassdoor and TechCrunch and laugh along, you don't actually need to be there. Its more fun than the Daily Show.

Henry should prove to the employees and investors that Hank Commerce is not an elaborate ponzi scheme and start showing some return for 10 years of effort and investment. Cash is always a better marker for viability than "vision". As the character Rod Tidwell said in Jerry Maguire, "show me the money". That's what Can-I-Have-A-Latte-Sir told me and for once he's right about something. There is always a first for anything.

I loved working at Hank Commerce, but I really loved the people I worked with. Glad I have a real job to go to now. Over and out comrades! Viva la revolution! See you on the other side!

This weeks food and drink
Beer : 8 (celebrating my job offer!)
Shots : 20 (celebrating my job offer!)
Dinner : 0 nights (no more official eating!)
Weight : 194 lbs